


Love Language

by elephantshoe18



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:21:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23622250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elephantshoe18/pseuds/elephantshoe18
Summary: "Actually, I am here on behalf of CatCo," Kara admits with a nervous laugh.  "Cat called in a favor and asked me to write a feature on you and so, here I am.""Cat Grant," Lena says pointedly, "asked you, a Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist, to write an article on why rich people are still single?"  Lena arches her eyebrow at Kara.  "I don't buy it."(aka: Lena and Kara used to date in college but now Lena's the CEO of a multi billion dollar company and Kara is a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, so when said journalist comes in to interview her for a 50 Most Eligible Bachelors fluff piece, Lena has her suspicions.)
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 84
Kudos: 1430





	1. Chapter 1

_Lena remembers the rain. She remembers it, because she remembers praying it wasn't the universe's way of telling her she was making a big mistake._

_Lena remembers the tears. She remembers those because they sprang free after the "don't go_ " _and the "please stay."_

_She remembers the wind, and the starless sky, and the way blue eyes bore into hers, sad and pleading._

_But what Lena remembers most is the cold. The icy chill that started in her rain soaked shoes, that permeated her skin and her bones. She remembers it most because it's the last time she felt anything at all. She remembers it most because it's when her heart froze over and she was ready to become a Luthor._

—

At just 28 years old, Lena Luthor has been named to _Forbes 30 under 30_ five times, _TIMES Most Influential People_ six times, and _People's 100 Most Beautiful People_ a whopping seven times (and not to brag, but she was on the cover of that issue two years in a row).

So yeah, she knows she's a triple threat of some sorts - beauty, power, and brains. She isn't arrogant or presumptuous about it, but she does have a healthy dose of self assuredness that she supposes _could_ be construed as narcissism to those who don't know her that well. 

And since she can count on one hand the number of people she has actually permitted to get to know her, it is safe to say that approximately 99% of the time, the world thinks she is an egotistical, stone cold, _bitch_. 

And honestly, Lena is more than okay to let them think that about her. It gives her an automatic advantage in the boardroom, where any trace of uncertainty is a sign of weakness, and it means people keep their distance. She _likes_ when people keep their distance. In fact, if keeping people at a distance were an Olympic event, she would win gold. 

Which, now that she thinks about it, might be the entire reason why she's in her current predicament, which is preparing for an interview with some CatCo reporter for the upcoming issue of _Catco's 50 Most Eligible Bachelors and Bachelorettes._

It's hard to be in a committed relationship when one actively avoids people. 

And the only reason she even entertained the idea of giving an interview for this article is because Cat Grant, media mogul, _self acclaimed_ stone cold bitch, agreed to match L-Corp's donation to the charity of Lena's choosing. So yeah, just because she has been labeled as a stone cold bitch, doesn't mean she actually is one - at least 1% of the time.

"Miss Luthor, your one o'clock is here," Jess's voice cuts in through the speaker on her desk, effectively ending any and all hopes Lena had of this interview getting cancelled.

Lena stands up and smooths out the wrinkles in her skirt. "Thank you, Jess. Please send them in."

She decides she has just enough time to pour herself (and her guest) a quick drink. What she really wants is something that would take the edge off - she always thought she was more personable that way, but it's still early in the afternoon and the last thing she needs is to read an article the following day accusing her of having a drinking problem. 

She pours herself a glass of water and takes a generous sip. She doesn't know why, but there's a feeling of anxiousness building in the pit of her stomach. The kind of feeling she gets when she knows she's forgetting something but can't remember what it is. She finishes pouring a second glass of water just as she hears her office door opening.

As she turns around from the drink cart to greet her guest, two things happen at once: the glasses in her hand shatter to the floor, and piercing blue eyes stare back at her, shattering her heart. 

—

She must have stopped breathing at some point because she finds herself having to take a deep breath, struggling to get oxygen back into her lungs.

"Oh! Miss Luthor, are you alright?" Jess exclaims, rushing to her, looking her over to make sure that she doesn't have any visible injuries from the broken glass. "Don't move, I'm going to go get something to clean this up."

It snaps Lena out of her trance. _Shit._ "No, Jess, please. I'm okay. I have a dustpan and broom in my bathroom, I'll sweep it up myself." At her assistant's concerned look, Lena forces herself to smile, willing herself to act normal. "Really, it's fine. I promise I'll be careful." After hesitating slightly, Jess nods to her boss and excuses herself out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Still standing near the doorway is Kara, wearing a light pink cardigan over a sundress, the same blue eyes staring back through new glasses. She has a faded out leather messenger bag slung over one shoulder, with her initials engraved on the corner. If Lena didn't know any better, she would swear it was the same bag she gave Kara for their first Christmas together, almost ten years ago. 

"Lena -"

"Please, have a seat," Lena cuts her off, gesturing towards one of the chairs in front of her desk. "I'm just going to clean this up first." 

She makes a beeline to the bathroom and grabs the supplies she needs for the mess. On autopilot, Lena begins to sweep the pieces of glass into the pan. The small, methodical movements help keep her emotions at bay. Finally, when she feels her heart beating at a normal pace, she discards of the pieces and makes her way back to her desk. She finds herself face to face with Kara Danvers, award winning journalist, modern day Greek goddess, and at one point in time, love of her life.

"Why are you so tan?" Lena blurts out without even thinking, immediately cringing as soon as the words leave her mouth.

Kara shoots her a surprised look, clearly not expecting _that_ to be the first thing Lena asks. "I just got back from Mexico," she answers hesitantly, trying to decide if she should keep talking. "I was, um," she clears her throat, "trying to follow up on a lead. I got to spend a lot of time at the beach."

A memory of Kara, lying on a beach in a bikini instantly flashes in Lena's mind. She shifts in her seat, praying that the blush forming on her cheeks might go unnoticed by Kara. It doesn't.

Kara shoots her a small smile. "It was beautiful there. Almost as nice as that trip we -"

"I don't think that's why you're here, is it?" Lena says curtly, hoping to curb any and all thoughts of the vacation they took together the summer before senior year that Kara was obviously referring to. "If I'm being honest, I really don't know why you are here. I must have made a mistake when I was checking my schedule, because I actually thought I was meeting with somebody from CatCo." Lena makes a show of clicking through her computer, trying to pull up her calendar.

"Actually, I am here on behalf of CatCo," Kara admits with a nervous laugh. "Cat called in a favor and asked me to write a feature on you and so, here I am."

"Cat Grant," Lena says pointedly, "asked you, a Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist, to write an article on why rich people are still single?" Lena arches her eyebrow at Kara. "I don't buy it."

Kara at least has the decency to look sheepish. "Well, she may or may not have known that we have somewhat of a history together." 

Lena internally scoffs at the way she is so clearly trying to gloss over the details. Now it's Kara's time to blush.

"And why exactly does Cat know about our 'somewhat' history?"

"Oh, well, funny story," Kara starts, while nervously readjusting the glasses on her face. "I was her personal assistant for a couple of years, and I may have let it slip once or twice that we dated in college."

"So let me get this straight. Cat Grant knows you and I were together when we were younger, and now she's sending you here to ask me personal questions about why I still haven't settled down?" Lena half expects to hear a frantic _it’s not what it sounds like_ , but it never comes.

"Yes?" Kara starts tapping her index finger against her thigh, an anxious tell of hers that Lena remembers well.

"You know what,” Lena says after a minute, mulling it over, “never mind. It sounds exactly like something Cat would do." 

Lena can see Kara's shoulders visibly relax. As Kara gets herself settled in her chair, Lena takes the quick opportunity to study the woman sitting across from her. She looks the same as she did in college, but the way she holds herself is more dignified, more sure of herself. It looks good on her.

"Okay, great, now that that's out of the way," Kara starts pulling out a pen and notepad from her bag, "do you mind if I start asking you questions?"

The bag catches Lena's attention again, and she can't tear her eyes away from it. "Kara," she hears herself saying, deciding at that very moment that she needs to know. "Is that...is that the bag I gave you?" It's the second time in a matter of minutes she's blurted out what she was thinking. Lena internally curses herself for her moments of impulsiveness. 

Kara glances down at the item in question, and blushes again. "Yeah, it is," she rushes to explain, hands now rubbing her thighs. "I hope it's okay that I kept it. It's just, it's the only bag that can fit all of my pens and notebooks _and_ my lunch _and_ my snacks while still feeling comfortable on my shoulder." 

"No, no, of course it's okay," Lena saves her from an anxiety induced ramble. "I was just surprised to see you still had it." Lena looks back into Kara's eyes, feeling a familiar swoop in her stomach and tug at her heart.

Lena is surprised by how strong the urge to put Kara at ease overtakes her. The need to soothe her prompts her to admit something just as incriminating. "I still have the paperweight you made me during that one semester you took pottery. It's on my desk at home."

"Lena, for the hundredth time, it is _not_ a paperweight! It's an expertly sculpted ice cream bowl. It even has a place to hold the spoon!" 

Lena lets out a loud laugh at that. "It's _tiny_ ," she says, still smiling. "What could I possibly eat out of that?"

"You always ate small portions," Kara grumbles, earning another chuckle form Lena.

"I eat normal portions, they just look small next to yours." It's true. Kara used to swear that the party sized bag of potato chips were only enough for a party of one. "And the spoon holder is now a very convenient pen holder."

Their laughter dies down and they find themselves in a comfortable silence. Lena almost forgot how easy it was to be with Kara, can't remember the last time she laughed so effortlessly.

Kara breaks the spell first. Or, more accurately, Kara’s stomach breaks the spell first with a loud growl. 

“Glad to hear some things never change,” Lena comments while Kara tilts her head and shrugs.

“Do you mind if we do this interview over lunch? I haven’t had a chance to eat yet and I am starving, if you couldn’t tell.”

Lena should say no. She knows she should. She has contracts to sign, phone calls to make, and a solid hour's worth of Research and Development time in the lab she made Jess block off in her schedule a month in advance. She's been looking forward to it all month.

The problem is, she wants to say yes. She wants to sit in a booth across from Kara and ask her about her life. She wants to know what she's been up to, and ask her about all the things she's seen. She wants to remember what it feels like to soak in the sunshine that is Kara Danvers.

So for the first time in seven years, Lena does what she wants, and she says yes.

And when she steps out of L-Corp and into the bright, fresh air, she prays that this is the universe's way of telling her she's making the right choice.

__

Lena most definitely did not make the right choice.

She made, what she can only describe as, the worst possible decision in modern day humanity. 

It's three o'clock in the morning and Lena is lying in bed, wide awake, because all she can do is think about Kara Danvers and her stupid smile.

Kara Danvers and her stupid laugh.

And her stupid golden hair that shimmers when the sun catches it just right.

And her stupid biceps that looked like _that_ when she took off her stupid cardigan. 

She wasn't even flexing. 

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

Lena doesn't know why she thought she could have lunch with Kara and not have an existential crisis about it afterwards. Her naivety was, for lack of a better word, _stupid_. 

The worst part was, after they had talked and laughed for two whole hours, they both realized they didn't even have one conversation about the article.

Which is why, in the middle of the night, Lena finds herself agonizing over the fact that she is going to have to see her ex-girlfriend again. 

She finally decides that the best way to handle this is with all the elegance and grace of a Luthor - she's going to lie through her teeth and tell Kara she's sick. 

She'll say she got food poisoning from the restaurant they went to. 

Except, that probably won't work because Kara will just feel guilty and want to make it up to her.

_Stupid._

She throws a pillow over her face and groans, until an even more horrifying thought crosses her mind - Kara is going to ask her questions about her dating life. 

In hindsight, she probably should have realized this sooner, but the shock of seeing Kara again after all these years rendered the logical half of her brain useless. 

She frantically throws the pillow off her face and snatches her phone. She is going to text Kara right now and tell her she's not doing this stupid interview. There is no way she's going to sit across from her and discuss her personal life. Absolutely none. Surely Kara will understand. 

Until Lena realizes that she doesn't have Kara's number. 

At least, she doesn't have Kara's number physically in her phone. 

She might have it memorized, though. 

From when they were dating.

Seven years ago.

Lena lays there and evaluates all of her options.

She could go through with her original plan and text her anyway, hoping that A) Kara still has the same number and B) it doesn't look pathetic that she still has it.

Or, she could suck it up and face Kara like the adult woman she is, and get the money from Cat to donate to the Pediatrics ward at National City Hospital. 

Admitting defeat, she throws the pillow back over her face. 

_T_ _hey better name the new hospital wing after me._

It's the last thought she has before finally falling asleep.

__

"Okay, so, I'm just going to start asking you some questions," Kara says, adjusting her glasses as she finishes getting settled. "How old are you?"

Lena looks at her quizzically, wondering for a second if the reporter really forgot. "Kara, you know how old I am."

"I know, but I wasn't sure if you wanted people to know your real age. You'd be surprised by how many people lie about it." Kara scribbles down something on her notepad. "So it's okay that if I put down 28?"

Lena nods. "Yes, you can use my real age. I don't think I'm old enough to want to lie about it yet," she jokes lightheartedly.

Lena can't believe this is really happening, that Kara is sitting here with her. When they broke up all those years ago, Lena steeled her heart to prepare for the fact that she would never see Kara Danvers again. She wants to pinch herself to prove this isn't just another dream, where she wakes up and has those three quiet seconds before her world comes crashing down again and she remembers that she's alone. Those mornings were always the hardest, because it always left her questioning how her heart feels so heavy while her soul feels so empty.

"Alright, next question. What's your favorite color?" 

For some reason, Lena finds this interview more amusing than she should. It's light and almost refreshing. If these are the kind of questions being asked, she thinks she can handle it. She thought for sure Kara would be asking her more probing questions, things she wasn't even sure she had the answers for. A sense of a relief washes over her and Lena can feel some of the tension leave her shoulders. 

"Blue," she answers. "Though I would have to say that red comes in a close second." 

Kara writes something down on her notepad again, crinkling her forehead.

"What is your love language?"

This question actually makes Lena pause. She hasn't really thought about how she expresses her affections. To be fair, she hasn't actually thought about expressing any emotion in years, but that's another story. 

"I think it's acts of service," she answers thoughtfully, tilting her head. "But it could also be quality time. Is it possible to have more than one?"

"Huh," Kara whispers, completely ignoring Lena's question. "I would have said physical touch."

An uncomfortable silence follows for a few beats as Lena thinks back to how one of her favorite things in the world used to be the way she could nuzzle in Kara's neck after a long day. Or how many lazy Sunday mornings were spent in bed, wrapped up in each other, wanting to be as close as possible. She remembers holding hands and the way Kara's fit so perfectly in her own. And how she would cradle Lena's head in her hands, and brush her cheeks with her thumbs right before she'd lean down to kiss her forehead. Lena doesn't know how to say, _yours is the only touch that has ever meant anything,_ without making things even more awkward, so she settles for, "I don't really _love_ physical contact." She hopes Kara isn't picking up on what's not being said. 

_Your touch is the only one that's made me feel loved._

From the small nod and soft smile Kara gives her, Lena thinks maybe she did pick up on it.

Clearing her throat, Lena leans back in her seat, trying to tame the butterflies in her stomach. "What's next?"

Kara flips a page in her notes. She looks up and Lena sees a glint in her eye. "Would you rather do dinner and a movie or take a scenic hike?"

"I think we both know the answer to that," she smirks, glad to shift to a lighter question. She thinks back on the one time Kara made her go hiking and how miserable it was for both of them. It was miserable for Lena because she was sunburned and hungry, and miserable for Kara because she wouldn't stop complaining about how sunburned and hungry she was.

Kara rolls her eyes. "Yes, you can't whine about the sun at a movie theater," she deadpans. 

"Luthors don't _whine_ ," Lena chastises. "We just openly voice our displeasure to those around us."

"Pffft," Kara scoffs, "you whined so much the birds started to hide. You whined so much -"

"Next question, please," Lena cuts her off, gesturing to Kara's notepad. "Preferably one that you can't tease me about."

Kara lets out a small chuckle and reads her next question. "Okay, here's a good one. What is your biggest pet peeve?"

"Reporters."

"Hey!" Kara shouts in mock outrage. "I'll have you know that reporting is a very respectable and meaningful career. If it weren't for reporters, how would people have access to vital information?"

Lena arches her eyebrow. "You mean, vital information such as my dating profile? Excellent point, darling," she answers sweetly, laughing as Kara rolls her eyes at her again.

The pet name just slipped out, and Lena is grateful that Kara doesn't acknowledge it. 

"Fine, I wasn't going to ask this, but you leave me no choice." Kara sits back in her chair and smirks. "What's your favorite sex position?"

 _That_ catches Lena off guard. "You can't possibly expect me to answer that," she splutters, eyes narrowing, regaining her composure. 

"No, I don't. But Cat told me I'd get a bonus if I could get you to answer," Kara's smirk is bigger than ever. "It was definitely worth a shot. And you deserve it after saying I'm your biggest pet peeve." 

Fine. Two can play that game.

"I think you know the answer to that question, anyway," Lena says smugly, enjoying the way the blush creeps up Kara's neck.

The fact that Lena still has the ability to fluster Kara sends a little thrill down her spine. She can almost feel the heat radiating off of her, and it is definitely making Lena feel things that she hasn't felt in a long time.

Approximately seven years. But who's counting?

"Are there any more questions?" As much as she loves making Kara blush, she decides to put her out of her misery. While a spluttering Kara is adorable and one of her favorite things, Lena also realizes that she is approaching a line she isn't sure she wants to cross. 

"Just the one," Kara answers, finally able to make eye contact again. And Lena knows this look. It's the one Kara uses when things are serious.

The hairs on the back of her neck stand up and Lena can tell that Kara is about to ask one those hard hitting questions she was hoping to be spared from. "Why do you think -"

"Sorry to bother you, Miss Luthor. Your next appointment is here." Jess's voice interrupts Kara, and Lena releases the breath she didn't realize she was holding. 

The interruption snaps Kara out of her concentration, and she looks at Lena with a much lighter expression than the one she had only moments ago. 

"I think I have enough material here to write something," Kara says as she starts packing her supplies back into her bag. "Sorry for taking up so much of your time." Her voice sounds tight, and Lena catches the slight trembling of her hands. 

On instinct, Lena comes around her desk and puts her hand over Kara's. She wants to soothe and comfort her, and when Kara looks back at her, Lena feels _everything_. She feels the rapid pounding of her heart, and the blood rushing through her veins. She feels the Earth stop turning and time stop moving. She feels Kara's eyes searching deep through in her soul an she feels _it_. She feels that comforting warmth that she's only ever felt with one person. She feels _home_.

"Kara," Lena whispers, her own throat tight with emotion. 

But before she can say anything else, Kara rips her hand away and leaves Lena all alone.


	2. Chapter 2

_**THREE YEARS AGO** _

Lena can finally put a name to it: grief.

At least, that's what her therapist keeps telling her. 

And it does help, to know that what she's been experiencing isn't something uncontrollable, that she won't end up like her brother - crazed and deranged to the point of insanity.

_At least there's that._

But her therapist told her that she's probably been in the depression stage of grief for a long time, and that she needs to work on getting to the final stage - acceptance.

So, Lena has been making a very conscious effort to accept a lot of things - about herself, about her life, and about Kara. 

For instance, she has finally come to accept the fact that Kara Danvers is the love of her life.

 _Was_ the love of her life.

Lena always knew she loved Kara - it's almost impossible not to. But for years she's been trying to convince herself that it was nothing more than a college fling, that there was nothing about their relationship that could lead to a solid future. Lena told herself on a daily basis that they were never going to last, so it didn't matter that she ended things - it would happen sooner or later, anyway. 

And so that's how she operated for the past few years, by lying and telling herself that what she and Kara had was _ordinary._ It was the only way she knew how to cope. It was the only way she knew how to _survive_.

But then her therapist told her she needs to stop trying to downplay her feelings in order to protect herself. "The more you deny your feelings, the more harm you do to yourself. You can't keep storing all of your pain into little boxes. Eventually, you're going to run out of boxes."

And at first, Lena scoffed at the idea. Because obviously she's underestimating just how good Lena is at recycling.

But then, after a few more sessions, she actually does it. She begins to unbox her emotions, and it does feel good, cathartic in a way she had never experienced. And it brought her to the point of finally being able to admit that Kara Danvers was the most important person in her life. Nothing about their relationship was _ordinary_. And leaving her has had more of an impact than Lena was able to admit. But, she's in a better place both physically and emotionally than she was four years ago, and she thinks she can handle it now. 

"Now," her therapist says, "you have to start working on being able to accept that you won't be seeing her again."

And Lena struggles with this one. Really struggles. Because even though she has told herself over and over that she won't be seeing Kara again, deep down she has always held onto a sliver of hope that maybe one day she'll come back to her. And just when Lena is _finally_ able to admit to herself that she was even holding on to such a hope, she's told she has to let it go. 

And she knows it's cheating, and it's almost like she's taking everything she's learned from these sessions and throwing it to the wayside, but she can't help it. 

Lena is only able to accept the fact that she'll never see Kara again because she stores away that one morsel of hope into another box.

And when later that week she sees a news clip of Kara, accepting the most prestigious award her career has to offer, Lena’s heart breaks all over again, and she repacks all of those boxes she had worked so hard to empty, and seals them shut.

__

**_PRESENT_ **

Lena feels better; not good, not great, but at the very least, she feels better than she has been for the past two weeks. She supposes that's not her greatest accomplishment, considering that the last two weeks have been full of tears, pain, and lots of regret, but it is _something._

At this point, any time that isn't spent wallowing on her couch spoon deep in a gallon of ice cream is considered a win in her book. 

"Thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice. I know it's been a long time," Lena says, as she stands up from her chair and takes her work phone off of silent. She ignores all of the missed calls, deciding she will take care of them when she gets back to the office.

"It's really no problem," her therapist assures her. "Though I was surprised to hear from you after all these years, I'm really glad you reached out."

Lena offers her a smile and extends her hand. "I am too, actually. I feel a little lighter already."

Her therapist shakes the offered hand and returns her smile. "Good, I'm glad. It's always better to talk about things instead of keeping them bottled up." She walks towards the office door and opens it ahead of Lena, gesturing for her to go first. "Should I schedule you in for the same time next week?” 

It’s a genuine question, but Lena can read between the lines. 

“Yes. Please. About last time - you don’t have to worry about that happening again," Lena assures her, feeling slightly embarrassed about the way she ended things three years ago, with a quick, _thank you for your services but they're no longer necessary,_ message left on her voicemail. 

Her therapist smiles at her, and not with pity like Lena half expects, but with something more understanding. Empathetic, even. It helps settle Lena even more. 

"Actually, if you don't mind, I'll walk you out. I left my charger at home and my partner was nice enough to bring it by." She says it with a smile on her face, and Lena wonders just for a second if that's the look she wears when talking about Kara.

They walk across the waiting room and head outside. The open air does wonders for Lena's mood. She wasn't lying when she told her therapist that she felt lighter. Lena has felt heavy ever since Kara ran out of her office, almost like there's been a boulder sitting right on her chest, making it harder for her to breathe.

She can still hear her therapist's voice in the background while she searches through her bag for her car keys. She's too busy rummaging around her bag to notice the person walking up behind her.

"Hey, Lena."

Lena knows that voice. 

Lena's heart drops at that voice.

She turns around slowly, and steels herself for whatever is about to come.

"Hello, Alex."

__

There have been very few times in her life where Lena was unable to answer a question, but right now, she's setting a personal record.

And she's going to blame it on the fact that she's currently drunk.

Not so drunk that she's slurring her speech or falling over, but drunk enough to be loose. Unguarded. Carefree.

Which leads her to the first question she's unable to answer.

How did she end up drunk, in a dive bar, on a Wednesday afternoon, with Alex _fucking_ Danvers?

Lena wants to blame the universe for its cruel sense of humor, and she's sure she will in the morning, but right now, Lena is too busy laughing at something Alex said. Full on, gasping for air, belly laughing. And she can't remember the last time she's laughed like this, but she knows she misses it.

After their laughter finally dies down, Alex reaches for her drink and takes a long sip. "So," she says, setting her bottle back on the table. "What's new with you?"

This is the second question she's having a hard time answering. She doesn't know where to start, really. Normally, Lena would just give a non committal, _not much,_ and steer the conversation away from herself, but this is Alex. And Alex can smell bullshit a mile away.

Plus, Lena is drunk. So she finds herself wanting to talk. "Well, you know, I took over my family's company." Lena reaches for a drink herself and takes a quick sip. "Had to rebuild it from scratch, basically." And she doesn't say it boastfully, but more as a matter of fact. "It was really difficult at first but I think I've finally gotten the hang of it." 

"Yeah, I've definitely heard," Alex says dryly, pointing to the television in the corner, a big L-Corp logo displayed on the screen. "Do you like it?"

Lena doesn't know how to answer that question, either. She's proud of herself, sure. And she feels an even bigger sense of pride when she can use her status and power to do something good. But does she like being responsible for _every_ thing and _every_ one _every_ day? She's not sure. 

"I love it."

"Bullshit," Alex snorts, taking another sip of her drink. "You can't lie to me, Luthor."

And Lena hates that it's true. Even after all this time.

"Okay, fine. Sometimes it sucks," she admits. "But for the most part, I really don't mind it." She takes a sip of her beer. "It's a nice change, having my name be in the news for something good, as opposed to something relating to Lex." 

Lena grimaces as she forces the last of her drink down. "God, how did I let you talk me into drinking this? It's revolting."

Alex downs her beer in a similar fashion and laughs. "I'm sorry that you don't get to drink your fancy scotch, or whatever it is you corporate types like. Look around this place. Would you really trust drinking anything out of a glass?"

"Point taken," Lena concedes, looking around the dimly lit place. She tries not to look at the mysterious puddle in the corner for too long. "Everything here is rather sticky."

"Hey Dan," Alex yells, signaling towards the elderly bartender. "Can we get another round?"

"I have to admit, when you asked me to grab a quick drink, I wasn't expecting you to bring me to _Dirty Dan's_."

Alex leans back in her chair and smirks. "It's the only place I knew that would be empty at this time of day. I figured you wouldn't want the press to catch wind of it. I can already see the headlines, 'Luthor heiress abandons own company in favor of female company,'" Alex teases. 

Lena accepts the beer that the bartender brings out, trying and failing not to make eye contact. When he smiles and winks at her, she hastily looks away, praying to God she never finds out how he earned the nick name _Dirty Dan_ (but from the looks of his bar, she can hazard a pretty good guess).

"I like that better than, 'Luthor heiress murdered by ex-girlfriend's terrifying sister,' which is what I thought was going to happen as soon as we pulled up to this _charming_ place," Lena jokes back, bringing the bottle to her lips. 

Alex pins her with a questioning look.

"What?" Lena asks, placing the bottle back on the table.

"I'm just trying to figure out if you're joking or not," Alex says.

"About this place being charming? Yeah, of course I was joking, this place is definitely -"

"No, of course I know this place is trash," Alex interrupts her. "I'm talking about you thinking I was going to kill you. You didn't really think that, did you?" 

Lena finds at herself at a loss of words yet again. 

She _was_ kidding about Alex trying to murder her, but she couldn't say exactly _what_ she thought was going to come from this. And she tells Alex as much.

"I don't know how to answer that. I really didn't know what to expect from you. Honestly, I thought you hated me," Lena replies bluntly. The alcohol is letting her voice things she would normally keep hidden. "The way Kara and I left things," she fidgets with her hands, "I thought you'd want nothing to do with me." 

The vulnerability Lena's feeling isn't new, but the fact that she's letting other people see it is. _But_ , she justifies to herself, _Alex isn't really_ _other people_. 

Alex opens her mouth to say something, but Lena keeps going. "I know how much you love Kara, and I know I must have hurt her," Lena's unable to stop the flow of words pouring out of her. "And I just figured you hated me for hurting her. I mean, _I_ hated me for hurting her, so I can only imagine -"

"Wait, Lena - stop," Alex finally gets out, halting Lena's drunken ramble. "I don't hate you. I _never_ hated you." 

And Lena looks at her, confusion evident on her face, because she honestly can't understand why Alex _wouldn't_ hate her. 

"Look, you and Kara," Alex runs her hand through her hair, trying to find the right words to say. "You and Kara were young. You were practically kids. And then your brother happened, and you were handed a struggling company, and you were about to get caught up in some real heavy shit. I can't fault you for leaving." Alex lets out a deep sigh. "I've done more destructive things for way less than that."

Lena just sits there in stunned silence. 

_Alex doesn't hate her._

_Alex never hated her._

"Oh." It's all Lena can manage. 

There's a very long pause. Both women sit there in silence, until Alex pulls out her phone. "Should I call Kelly? Tell her you need an emergency session or..."

That gets Lena to laugh, and she covers her face with her hands. "I can't believe you're dating my therapist."

"I can't believe I am, either." 

The smile that grows on Alex's face warms Lena's heart. She's genuinely happy for her. 

"Although, I can't help but think it's a conflict of interest, with Kelly knowing Kara, I'm surprised she even agreed to take you on." Then Alex starts to backtrack, after realizing what she said. "Not that I presume to know what you even talk about in your sessions. It's private. I'm not trying to pry. I just assumed you probably mentioned Kara at some point."

"Oh, about that," Lena keeps her hands busy by peeling the label on her beer bottle. "I used a fake name for Kara. I didn't want to risk it, just in case my therapist decided that patient confidentiality could be bought for a price. The last thing I wanted was to get Kara dragged into anything involving me."

"Huh," Alex studies Lena. "That's smart. A little depressing, that you couldn't even trust your own therapist, but smart none the less." 

Lena chuckles at that. "On one hand, I'm really glad to know that Kelly isn't the type to sell me out. On the other hand, I am a little sad that I'll have to find a new therapist," Lena tips her bottle to Alex, "so thanks for that."

Alex rolls her eyes at Lena. "You're welco-"

Whatever Alex is about to say is interrupted by her phone ringing on the table. They both glance down to see Kara's bright smiling up at them from the phone screen. 

Alex stares frozen at her phone, and Lena finds she can't take her eyes off of it, either.

Lena's throat tightens up, and her stomach drops out from under her. "You should answer that," she finally says, after clearing her throat. "I have to go to the bathroom, anyway." Without waiting for an answer, Lena hastily leaves her seat and heads to the bathroom.

She stares at herself in the mirror, and she thinks it's fitting that the overhead light keeps flickering on and off, because it's almost an exact representation of how she feels on the inside. 

She wants to say that seeing Kara's face flash on Alex's phone didn't shake her, but it did. And she wants to be able to put on a brave face, and she'd probably be able to manage it if she wasn't five drinks in, but she finds herself unable to completely flip the switch to shut off her feelings. So she wills herself to stay there, instead of running away like she normally would. It's something she's been working on in therapy, and she figures now is a good time to apply what she's learned.

And then she decides that she'll start when she's sober. 

Except, when she goes to leave, Alex bursts through the door. 

"I know what you're thinking," Alex practically shouts, keeping the door open with one arm. 

"You do?" Lena asks somewhat surprised, because she doesn't even quite know what she's thinking. 

"Oh," Alex deflates a little. "I thought you were planning on sneaking out the nearest exit."

"Oh, then yes. You do know what I'm thinking." 

And Lena can't help it. 

She laughs. 

She laughs so hard she has to lean against the wall to keep from falling over. And pretty soon Alex is joining in, holding her stomach and gasping for air. 

After five seconds or five hours, they finally catch their breaths. Lena wipes the tears away from her eyes, and she honestly doesn't know if they're from laughing or crying. Probably both. 

"I hate that you still know me so well," Lena confesses after a moment. She's exhausted both physically and emotionally. She slides down the wall until she's on the floor, knees pulled into her chest.

Alex copies her movement, her shoulders barely touching Lena's.

"You know, I did hate you once," Alex quips, nudging Lena's shoulder with her own. "It was the first time I met you, do you remember?" 

Lena smiles at the memory. "Yeah, you came to visit Kara for the weekend." She looks over to Alex and smirks, "I was terrified of you then, too."

"Anyway," Alex continues, "I was on a mission to expose you. I thought for sure you were just another rich girl who had everything handed to them and Kara was your target for a mean prank." 

"What changed your mind?" Lena genuinely wants to know. She always knew Alex didn't like her the first time they met, but she never knew what it was that ended up winning her over.

"Well for one, I have never seen anybody with such an insane work ethic. It's actually unhealthy. You should definitely talk to your next therapist about it."

Lena pinches her arm and delights in the yelp Alex lets out. "Don't be mean. You were about to tell me what it was that made you love me."

Rubbing her arm, she shoots Lena a glare. "Definitely not that," she mutters under her breath. "Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," she says to Lena's dramatic eye roll. "It was when we were getting ice cream, and you waited patiently while Kara sampled every single flavor. And I thought, nobody would put themselves through that kind of torture for a prank."

Lena isn't sure she's heard her right, because surely _that_ couldn't be the reason. Lena feels her throat starting to constrict again, and she's finds it hard to speak. 

Alex must sense her shock, because she keeps going. "You know how Kara can sometimes be a people-pleaser, especially when it comes to people she cares about?" 

And Lena nods her head at this, because it's true. She remembers some of the arguments they used to have about that very topic.

"Well, if you had shown any sign at all that you were even slightly annoyed, she would have stopped and picked a flavor. But you didn't, and you just let her be Kara." Alex reaches over and pats Lena's knee. "And that's when I knew that you were the real deal, and I didn't have to worry about you taking advantage of her.

Lena feels both comforted and unsettled being around Alex again. Just like Kara, Alex has always been able to see through Lena's exterior, read her in a way that didn't need words. It used to make her feel validated, but now, it just makes her feel vulnerable.

Lena can't pinpoint the exact moment, but somewhere during her and Kara's relationship, Alex became her sister, too. So Lena just leans her head on Alex's shoulder like she's done countless times in the past, and trusts Alex with her vulnerability. 

And later outside, after they both leave the bar and regret ever thinking sitting on the floor of the bathroom was a good idea, Lena turns to Alex and gives her a bone crushing hug. 

"Thanks," is all she says, letting her go when Alex's Uber pulls up to the curb.

And when Alex is just about to get in, Lena shouts, "But you were wrong about one thing."

Alex raises her eyebrow and tilts her head, waiting for Lena to elaborate.

"I did take advantage of Kara. Many times. After you left."

And Lena laughs when Alex slams the door shut and flips her off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Five Love Languages  
> \- Words of Affirmation: "This is good ice cream."  
> \- Acts of Service: "I made you some ice cream."  
> \- Receiving Gifts: "I bought you some ice cream."  
> \- Quality Time: "Let's go get some ice cream together."  
> \- Physical Touch: Being the big or little spoon, like the utensils used to eat ice cream.

It's been three weeks since the interview and the article still hasn't been published.

Lena knows this because she's been scouring the internet every day since then.

In fact, that's what she's doing now. Alone. In her bed. With a gallon of ice cream.

She still has yet to set up an appointment with another therapist, conveniently forgetting the list of highly recommended professionals Kelly put together for her at work. 

Lena takes another bite of her ice cream as she continues to search for any new CatCo articles on her tablet, and frowns when her spoon hits the bottom of the container.

Something as small as eating the last of the ice cream shouldn't make Lena so emotional, but it does. And it's all because of Kara. Lena didn't tell Alex, but ice cream has always been _their_ food. And it makes Lena smile whenever she thinks about the night Kara decided ice cream would be the token of their relationship. 

_"You know, like, how some couples have songs or places that are special to them. Maybe our special thing can be ice cream."_

And it all started years ago, before they were even dating. They found themselves in the same class, and their professor partnered them up to do a 21 questions ice breaker. 

_"What's your favorite ice cream?"_

_"I don't know, I've never had it before."_

_"What do you mean you've never had it before? How is that even possible?"_

Their first conversation was about ice cream. 

For their first date, Kara brought Lena to her favorite ice cream spot and demanded she try all the flavors so she could finally have a favorite. 

So, when Alex said she knew Lena loved her sister because of ice cream, well, it was more than a little jarring to hear. Because honestly, what were the chances? 

And thinking about it now brings all those emotions back to the surface. And it just makes Lena hopeful. And it's the hopefulness that hurts the most. Because at some point, she did lose hope - she had finally accepted that she'd never be as happy as she was with Kara. She put it in her little box, and buried so deep that it would never see light again. 

But then, it sprang free the second she saw Kara. And hope bloomed in her chest, wrapping itself around her heart no matter how hard Lena tried to fight it. And that's why it's so painful, because she has all of these emotions - happiness and hope and _love_ , but the only person she wants to give them to ran away three weeks ago, and Lena hasn't been able to stop feeling since. 

\--

Nothing short of this type of emergency would get Lena out of her apartment past ten o'clock. But she's sad and lonely, and she ate all the ice cream in her freezer.

A trip to the grocery store this late at night might be the last thing Lena wants to do, but, if she's being completely honest with herself, it's not like she actually has anything better going on. So, she throws on her comfiest pair of sweatpants and an old college sweatshirt and heads out the door. Normally, she'd wear sunglasses or a hat when she's going out in public, but wearing them at night would probably just draw even more attention to herself. And it's not like the paparazzi are as obsessed with her as they used to be. Plus, she's at the store on the other side of town. Nobody would ever suspect her to be there. She figures if she pulls her hood up, she'll be fine. 

Except, as per her luck, she ends up totally not fine. 

Because as she's waiting in the check out line, a voice behind her says, "Yikes. A Rocky Road kinda night, huh?"

Lena swears she gives herself whiplash from turning her neck so fast. 

"Kara?" 

And Lena is so awestruck that she doesn't even realize it's her turn to check out until Kara reaches over and puts her own container of ice cream on the conveyor belt and tells the cashier, "You can put these together."

At Lena's questioning look, Kara just shrugs and hands over her card. "It's the least I can do."

Lena must be having some sort of out of body experience because she can't seem to get her body to move. She hears the cashier tell Kara to _have a good night_ but it doesn't register in her mind that she should move until she feels Kara place her hand lightly on her shoulder. 

Even though her sweatshirt, Lena can feel the spark - branding her skin and igniting in her veins. She snaps out of it and moves off to the side. "Er, thanks. You didn't have to do that."

Kara looks at her earnestly, hand still resting on her shoulder. "I know, but I wanted to. I feel really bad about the way I left things and I - Can we talk about this somewhere more private," she asks, as another late night customer passes by them. 

"I don't know, Kara. I have -"

"Please?" Kara says, slightly pleading. "I have a lot I want to say and I'm guessing you do, too." She holds up the bags with their ice cream in it. "Rocky Road was always your go to when you were feeling down. I always appreciated the symbolism."

Lena contemplates for a moment. She very obviously wants to talk to Kara. The only reason she's even in the grocery store in the first place is because she misses her (well, technically, it's because of the ice cream, but she's out of ice cream _because_ of her). But Lena is afraid. She's terrified of what Kara has to say. And she's not sure she'll be able to pull herself back together if this is it - the last time she sees her. 

And that brings Lena back to the real problem - the way she hopes for _if_ this is the last time, and not _when._ And this hope thing, it's killing her.

But then, Lena makes a choice. Because she's spent the last seven years living her life without Kara, and frankly, she's tired of it. She's a different person now than she was back then, and if this all blows up in her face, at least she can tell herself she tried. Something in her gut is screaming at her to at least try. 

"Okay," is all she says.

"Great!" Kara's blue eyes light up with excitement. "My place is within walking distance from here if you don't mind?"

"Sure." Lena knows that her one word answers are sending the wrong message, but she can't seem to get her mouth to cooperate. Her emotions are all over the place, and she wants to say more, to tell Kara that she's just as excited as she is, but the words keep getting stuck in her throat, and she's not sure if she'll be able to stop once they finally spring free. 

The walk to Kara's apartment is silent, for the most part. Kara insisted on carrying the bags of ice cream against Lena's protests, because _Eliza raised me to be a gentlewoman._

That earns an eye roll from Lena, and it makes Kara laugh. Lena's really missed that laugh.

When Kara opens the door, the first thought Lena has when she walks into Kara's apartment is _h_ _ome_.

Because that's exactly what it is. It's a home. It's everything Lena's apartment isn't - warm and inviting and _lived in_. There are pictures everywhere, mostly of Alex, but she does see a few of Eliza and other people she doesn't recognize. It leaves a bittersweet taste in her mouth, because she's happy that Kara has all of this, but she can't help feeling a dull ache in her heart, wishing she had helped her build this life.

"Make yourself at home. I'm just going to grab us some spoons. I'll be right back." 

Lena sits on the couch and sets the ice cream on the coffee table. She can't help but feel a little overwhelmed by this turn of events. The butterflies in her stomach have returned full force and her heartbeat has definitely increased, but she finds that she isn't looking for an escape route, so she takes that as a good sign.

_Kelly would be so proud._

Before she knows it, Kara is kicking her shoes off and plopping down on the couch next to her, handing over a spoon and her container of Rocky Road.

"So, tell me what you thought about Dirty Dan's," Kara says as she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, followed by a spoonful of ice cream. 

"Oh God," Lena groans, covering her face with her hand, both out of embarrassment and to stop herself from staring at Kara licking the spoon. "I can't believe Alex told you."

"Alex tells me everything," Kara responds matter-of-factly. "I can't believe you two ran into each other getting coffee. Small world, am I right?"

 _Not everything,_ Lena thinks while also saying a quick word of thanks to Alex, for not telling Kara about the whole therapy thing. It's not that she's ashamed about needing therapy, but she has never been able to lie to Kara, and she isn't quite sure how to tell her that she's usually the main topic of discussion.

"Yeah, microscopic," Lena deadpans, earning a small giggle from Kara.

"This is good," Kara comments, eating another generous spoonful. "And you are, too. Good, I mean. You look good, is what I'm trying to say."

Lena scoffs, mostly to mask how a small compliment from Kara can still make her feel so much, but also because she _knows_ she doesn't look good. She actually put an effort into making sure she didn't look good. "Yeah, right. I think you need new glasses."

But Kara doesn't back down. "No, I'm serious. This is how I remember you. It was a little daunting to see you in your work clothes." She readjusts her legs on the couch, so she can face Lena. "Don't get me wrong, you can definitely work a suit, like _really_ work a suit. But this is more familiar to me," she says, while giving her sweatshirt a playful tug, "the Lena I knew, anyway."

Lena doesn't know how to respond to that, so she just shoves another bite of Rocky Road in her mouth. 

The following silence isn't uncomfortable, exactly, but rather a bit strained. There is so much Lena wants to say but she doesn't even know where to begin, and she senses that Kara feels the same way. 

"So, um, what is it that you wanted to talk about," Lena asks, putting aside her ice cream to give Kara her full attention. She folds her legs underneath her, and rests one elbow on the back of the couch, knuckles supporting her temple. She tries to appear casual yet confident, but what she really wants to do is sink further and further into the couch until she disappears.

Kara mirrors her position and clears her throat. "Well, first I wanted to apologize for running out on you the way that I did. It was extremely unprofessional of me, and I'm sorry." 

"Hey, it's okay," Lena assures her. "I've dealt with much more dramatic exits than that."

"Still, I shouldn't have reacted that way. It won't happen again."

 _Again_ , Lena thinks. Does that mean Kara plans on seeing her again? That feeling of hope comes back with a vengeance, and Lena tries to force it down. 

"Can I ask why you left so suddenly?" And Lena really wants to know. The look of pure panic in Kara's eyes has been replaying in her mind for weeks, and the possibility that it's all her fault has been haunting her since then. 

Kara takes a deep breathe and looks away. Lena can see the way she starts to tap her thigh. "It was just a lot, you know? I just felt like...I just needed to get out of there." 

"Was it something I did?" Lena's worry must really show on her face because Kara is the one rushing to comfort her.

"No, it wasn't anything you did," Kara tries to reassure her quickly. She runs her hand through her hair and lets out a deep breath. "It's just," and she slowly and deliberately places her hand on Lena's thigh, never breaking eye contact, " _this_." 

And Lena doesn't know what Kara is doing or where this is going, but she does know that she is going to combust any second. Her body feels like a copper wire and Kara's hand feels like it’s the source of electricity. 

"Do you feel it?"

And Lena nods her head, unable to speak. 

"When you held my hand in your office, it completely blindsided me. After all this time, your touch - it's still _everything,_ Lena, and I didn't know how to handle it. So I ran."

Kara takes her hand back and Lena can feel her heart drop into her stomach, and she tries to ignore the familiar stinging sensation behind her eyes. 

"It was naive of me, I guess, to think that I could see you again and not have my entire world be turned upside down." Kara lets out a small, self deprecating laugh. "I thought it would be easy. Especially since we got lunch and everything was fine. I thought we could even be friends again." 

Lena wants to argue, tell Kara that they _can_ be friends, but she's still not able to get any words out. She bites the inside of her cheek, determined to at least hold her tears back, when Kara continues.

"But I think it's pretty obvious now that we probably can't be, at least not yet."

Lena can feel her world shrinking. It feels like she's under water, where her senses are all muffled and the only thing she can hear is the thumping of her own heart. Normally, she would recognize these signs as the beginning of a panic attack, but something about it feels different - less helplessness and more fire, almost like liquid fury burning through her veins. She balls her hands into fists and clenches her jaw. 

Lena is _pissed_. She didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't this. It wasn't Kara so easily tossing her to the side, especially since she was the one who insisted they talk. It wasn't Kara dangling a sliver of hope in front of her only to yank it away at the last second. If Lena could take a second to rationalize her anger, she would come to the realization that she's lashing out because she's feeling rejected. But Lena's never been able to rationalize her emotions when it comes to Kara, and she doesn't plan on starting now. _Maybe it's something she can work on with her next therapist._

"What the _f_ _uck_ , Kara," Lena spits out. And if Kara's face is anything to go by, she is just as shocked as Lena is angry.

"What was the point of this? To say, 'Yeah, sorry, I still have feelings for you but none of it matters. Thanks for stopping by.'"

"Lena, no, of course not!"

She stands up from the couch, and places one hand on her forehead, and the other on her hip. She paces back a forth a few times, willing herself to calm down. "You're the one who invited me here, even though I had already planned on going home alone. You practically begged me to come over. For what? To tell me that you don't want to be my friend?" Lena scoffs, and places both hands on her hips. "Well, newsflash, Ms. Journalist! We haven't been friends for years."

"And whose fault is that," Kara yells back, shooting up from the couch and squaring her shoulders to Lena. "You're the one who left!" 

This is new. In all the years they were together, Kara never once raised her voice at Lena. She usually didn't even stand up for herself. It used to drive Lena insane. If she wasn't so angry right now, she'd probably be a little turned on. 

"Is that what this is then," Lena questions. "Payback for leaving you?"

“Leaving me? Lena, you _abandoned_ me!” The raw emotion is evident in her voice, and the way Kara's voice cracks on the word _abandoned_ breaks through Lena’s icy resolve.

It stops Lena dead in her tracks, feeling all of the anger drain out of her body, only to be replaced with something achingly close to regret. “You think I abandoned you?”

Kara's face is flushed, and Lena notices the way her fists are clenched by her side. “Yeah, what else would you call it? You just woke up one day and told me we couldn't be together anymore. I didn't even have time to process what was happening before you were telling me your flight was leaving soon.” She lowers her head, and Lena can see the way she's biting the inside of her cheek. "And then you were just...gone," she says softly, keeping her gaze directed at the floor. 

"Kara, that's not true. You know what happened, with Lex, with my mother," she takes a step forward without even thinking, willing Kara to look at her. "I didn't _abandon_ you. I had to learn how to run a company that was two seconds away from being run into the ground." When Kara still refuses to meet her gaze, she keeps going. "I had to learn who I was on my own. I was always defining my self worth by whoever was around me, and I didn't even realize it." She takes another step closer. "When I was with Lex or my mother, I always thought the worst of myself. Never smart enough, never pretty enough, never _good_ enough. And then I met you and it was like my world got turned upside down. I started believing that I was good enough, because _you_ thought I was." 

Another step. 

"But I had to start believing that I was good enough for myself. I had to stop letting other people dictate whether or not I was capable of being a decent human being."

Lena takes one final step, placing herself directly in front of Kara. She reaches out and grabs her hands that are still clenched, and she holds them in her own, rubbing soothing circles on her knuckles. "I wasn't abandoning you. I swear," she whispers, as Kara finally looks up. "I was just trying to find myself."

But Kara yanks her hands out of Lena's, and she's forced to take a step back. "I stood there with you, in the pouring rain, and I _begged_ you not to go. I _begged_ you to stay, to work things out," she practically shouts. And now it's Kara's turn to step into Lena's space, eyes brimming with anger and unshed tears. "But you didn't even turn around. It's like I just stopped existing the moment you boarded that plane."

There’s a couple seconds of forced silence, where they stand there, sizing each other up. 

"I waited for months," Kara says quietly, volume now under control, "for you to return my calls, my texts. Hell, I would have even settled for some sort of secret sign during one of your press conferences, like the ear tug you used to give me from across the room to signal you wanted to go home." And she steps back from Lena, physically putting more distance between them. "But I got nothing but radio silence. We were together for four years, Lena, and you just cut me off like I was nothing more than a fun distraction." She crosses her arms in front of her, a protective gesture that Lena notes with a small pang. "We've been apart longer than we were together, and I still think about you every day. And I don't know how to stop."

Lena doesn't know what to say. She feels like she just got punched in the gut, and the guilt sits heavy in her stomach. Because it's true. All of it is true. She did end things with Kara abruptly, with almost no explanation. And she did ignore her, screened all of her calls and deleted unread texts. 

And it's eating away at her right now, because she was so caught up in how she needed to feel worthy of her own accord, that she just completely disregarded how Kara felt. 

Kara is standing there in front of her, looking as devastated as Lena feels, and Lena hits a level of self loathing she hasn't felt in a long time. She knew their break up would be hard on Kara, knew it would break her heart as much as it broke Lena's, but there was never any doubt in her mind that Kara would move on, bounce back as good as new. In a way, knowing that Kara would be able to get over her was one of the only reasons Lena was able to push through on her darkest days. So hearing that Kara really went through it, is _still_ going through it, well, it makes Lena want to simultaneously profess her undying love to Kara while punishing herself for being so selfish.

She isn't exactly sure what she should do, but she knows what she _wants_ to do, and every fiber of her being is screaming at her to wrap Kara into her arms and never let go. She wants to take every single piece of her heart that she broke and help her put them back together again. She just _wants_ Kara - all of her.

And this is why Lena has never regretted her decision to leave, because the person she is now is capable and deserving of a love like Kara's. It's something she had to learn, over time, by herself. 

So she strikes up the courage to be vulnerable, and she steps towards Kara again. And she's holding her breath, praying that Kara won't recoil from her touch like last time, but she has to _try_. 

"Kara," she lets out, softly, and slowly brings her hand under her chin. She forces Kara to look at her, and she makes sure her face radiates confidence so she knows she means what she says. 

"I am _so_ sorry that I abandoned you. I was so caught up in my own feelings that I didn't take yours into consideration, and I truly thought you would get over me fairly quickly."

When Kara goes to interrupt her, Lena slides her index finger over her lips. "Please, let me just get this out."

And after Kara slowly nods, she continues. "Back then, I thought so little of myself, and I didn't even realize it. I was always so insecure about the smallest things, and I was convinced that one day you would wake up and see me like I saw myself - inadequate." Lena moves her hand from her lips to cup her face, brushing her cheeks with her thumbs. "I didn't know how to handle running a company and handle my fear of losing you. So I did what I thought was inevitable, and I left, because I really did think you were going to leave me eventually."

She feels Kara's hands slip around her waist, and she starts to breathe a little easier. And when she feels her rubbing slow circles on her lower back, she feels a spark of energy shoot through her, and it gives her back some of that hope that she was so afraid of having. "And I know how stupid that sounds now, but please believe me when I say that it's what I really thought. And I know now you were hurting just as much as I was, and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for causing you pain. But the difference between then and now is that I promise I'm here to stay. And maybe I wasn't able to be the person you needed then, but I promise I am now." 

Lena has never been good at buying gifts, and the verbal part of her brain practically shuts down when it comes to emotions. And even though she has tried in the past to make time in her busy schedule, she cancels plans more often than not. And when it comes to the little things, it's just not something that comes naturally. 

But when it came to Kara, none of that mattered. Because Kara didn't care if she bought her a diamond necklace or flowers from the grocery store. She was patient with Lena when it came to voicing her feelings - so much so, that she let Lena be the first to say _I love you_. And Lena was always busy, but she always made sure she found time for Kara. Always. And after she met Kara, thoughtfulness came so easily. She wouldn't even think twice before offering to carry some of her books, and Kara would always look at her like she hung the moon.

So it's no surprise that the best and most effective way Lena knew how to express herself with Kara was through touch, because it's the one thing she's been so deprived of her entire life. She remembers what it feels like to be wrapped up in her warmth, new and exhilarating, familiar and comforting all at the same time. It's something she's always experienced with Kara. _Only_ with Kara. 

And it's how she's expressing herself now, with her hands moving from her cheeks to the back of her neck, pulling her in closer. _Closer, closer, closer_ until they're both breathing in the same air, foreheads pressed together.

"I love you," Lena breathes out, before she presses her lips to Kara's, pouring every ounce of heart ache and regret and love and strength into the kiss. 

When she feels Kara respond by gripping her tighter and deepening the kiss, her entire world stops. And she knows, without a doubt, that she will do everything in her power to keep Kara in her life. 

And a few hours later, while Kara is above her and three fingers deep, she throws Lena's leg thrown over her shoulder. “I love you so much,” Kara whispers into her neck, and Lena can't hold back any longer - she comes with Kara's name on her lips. 

And when they’re done, Kara leans over and kisses her. "I knew that was your favorite position." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this last chapter took so long. Thanks for all the comments and support. You're all the best!


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